How?

Life after you left

 has been nothing but heart wrenching pain

 yet the earth still rotates 

How could it?

They’re all living

They smile and laugh 

They get up in the mornings 

They dance and sing

How could they?

I lay in bed all day

I don’t smile and laugh

I can’t leave my bed

I don’t dance

I sing sad songs

How could they not? 

You don’t smile and laugh

You don’t have a bed 

You can’t dance 

You can’t sing sad songs with me

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I Remember 

I remember it clearly

It haunts me

I couldn’t sleep for weeks

Nightmares consumed my whole being

I remember as if it were yesterday 

Ah, yes the vivid imagery 

It’s now the reason I fear sleeping in the dark

I fear closing my eyes

It isn’t you I’m afraid of my dear

I fear my weakness 

I fear of drowning in the emotions I know all too well

I remember it clearly

My dear its humorous though

My memory has always been the worst

But I remember it clearly 

This Feeling

This feeling is like I have a million things I want to shout to the world but I can not fathom them into comprehendible words. It’s like I’m being ripped apart with every single breathe that leaves my body. It’s like being trapped in a dark cave where the sun never comes up. This feeling is like no matter how many showers I take I still can’t wash away the smell of perpetual disappointment. This feeling is like the intangible desire to grasp each grain of sand. This feeling is breathing in the flames of hell instead of oxygen. It’s that feeling where it hurts so bad that you go numb yet the ache is still shaking you to the bone so this feeling becomes you, it consumes you in a bubble and all you can do is wait for it to burst with the overflowing tears of a lonely child.

What about my rights?!

I always suspected that he wasn’t my “real dad”, but it hurt when she confirmed it. I get angry and depressed most days, I feel broken and abandoned by a man I’ve never known and a man that I looked up to. I shall admit though that I’ve said harsh things because I can’t manage my anger probably. Yet, why can’t I be angry? Why do I get introuble for saying the truth? “He isn’t my real dad!” It’s the truth.. It isn’t nice but was it nice when you lied to me my whole life? I can’t trust anyone.. I can’t feel and I’ve subcomed to sharing these feeling with a stranger. What have I become?! I haven’t gone to school and I don’t want to go. Where is my right to feel? Please someone tell me what am I suppose to do? How should I be feeling? Someone please..



To Feel or Not To Feel?

I wasn’t ready
The bomb hit hard
My heart stopped
My breathe caught
Time seemed frozen
My life slipped through my fingers
I was numb
I craved life
My lungs ached for air
I wanted to feel
It was like drowning in knee deep water
Out in the ocean
Alone and afraid
A second attack
My heart raced
I still couldn’t breath
Time was idly mocked me
Pain consumed me
I craved enteral rest
My lungs burned
I wanted peace
Still drowning in an ocean
Only knees deep
Alone and afraid

Please Be Gentle

Good Mourning with Carole

Please be gentle with me, for I am grieving
The sea I swim in is a lonely one, and the
shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul as I
struggle through each day.

My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to
shout and scream and repeatedly ask
“Why?” At times, my grief overwhelms
me, and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.

Please don’t turn away or tell me to move
on with my life. I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through my tears and sit
with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.

Listen patiently to my story, I may need to
tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin
to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture
me through the weeks and months…

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It’s not about you…

Because I'm Fabulous

I remember being pregnant with my children, feeling as their gentle flutters progressed into full belly flops on my bladder and painful karate kicks against the backs of my ribs. Back then I had no clue what my children would be like; they were more like ideas than real people. I’d sit in my rocking chair with my hands clasped gently over my stomach and wonder who they’d be. Dreaming of children who loved singing as much as me; envisioning singing rounds, our voices weaving together in harmony.

Then they were born. Short, chubby, bald people who looked a lot more like Winston Churchill than either their Dad or myself. People that screamed randomly, pooped on themselves, and considered “gah” to be an entire conversation. I still had no idea what they were like except loud, messy, and highly uncoordinated. They slowly evolved into their own people. Emma was colicky and had a desperate need to be…

View original post 1,392 more words

Wake Me Up

Wake me up when it all ends
When the cuts have healed
Wake me up when I’m not bleeding
And the temptation to give into this addiction is nothing but a memory
Wake me up when it no longer hurts
When the thought of you doesn’t make me break
Wake me up when ropes aren’t my enemy
And my lungs aren’t struggling harder than me to breathe
Wake me up when my finger isn’t on the trigger
And instead holding yours
Wake me up when my prayers have been delivered
And I’m no longer holding onto a thin and breakable thread
Wake me up when this nightmare ends
When I can finally see more than dark skies
Wake me up when I can see again
Before and after this storm
Wake me up before I drown
For grief has consumed me whole and shaken me to the bones..

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Our Prayer

2/15/13
My words may be unto unheard ears.
And my tears may be shared.
Together hand and hand we hold on tight, gripping onto false reality.
Blue eyes, a silly laugh, a beautiful woman, Gods perfect creation.
Destroyed by mankind, dying of sickness.
We still hold on,
Gripping onto hope instead of God, He will save us and save the Angel beside me.
Because in my eyes she is an Angel,
Silly laugh, blue eyes,
Once filled with life.
God I call out to you,
Not for myself but for the dear life that lies before me.
In unheard words she calls out to you the only way she knows!
Sentences are no longer a part of her!
She is one of your children,
She followed the footsteps you gave her, now she’s here on the verge of disintegrating into thin air!
But I trust in you just as she did.
I pray and call out to you Oh great Lord of mine save this woman from her suffering and heal her like you have healed me of my sinful wounds.
Lord I cry out to you for her, I am the words, the sentences, the prayers she can not utter out!
I am her cries for help, I am, I am, I am Lord together we call out to you!
Lord oh Lord
I know of your power!
I know of your goodness!
Cleanse her from head to toe, she knows of your presence and she awaits to join you in your kingdom. No longer suffering, walking, praising, and singing of your goodness. In your kingdom where her blue eyes shine and her laugh can bring joy all around.
Heal her if not for me but for herself!
And before her final breath she’ll call out to you, hallelujah on her tongue. And in that time may you give us the strength we’ll need, for all we need is to trust in you and in your hand do I know that I’ll be fine without my Queen until its my turn to called on by you my Lord. So I pray to you my Lord the only way I know, poetry..